Some issues.

Hospitality is an industry full of people that do not drink normally.

I don't think it's anybodys fault because it's kind of just part of the lifestyle - you work, with limited food and generally no or limited breaks (in my experience) anywhere from 5-10 hours, dealing with bitchy wives, angry drunks and just plain idiots, the whole time with a smile plastered on your face. It's an emotionally exhausting job, and I've done it since I was 15. So then you finally get to the end of your shift, and for every shift that you do you get offered a free "staff drink". In a lot of the places that I have worked, if you don't stick around after your shift and have a drink with your colleagues it's seen as rude.

Obviously this can all be beaten by that classic "just say no" that we all know isn't that simple but alas, today is my first day back at the bar saying no to staff drinks. (oh and did I mention that we are attached to a bottle store where we get all wine at a huge discount? Yeah...) Aside from that, my flatmate is having a large going-away party on Friday that I want to attend but am freaking out about, and I am going to the theatre on Saturday with my old manager who is a beer queen. Cue freak out no.3. One day at a time though!
I got some more St Johns Wort (anti anxiety).

Other than those couple of niggles, I woke up this morning clear headed and the sun is shining :) So here we go into day 3!

The beginning

Today is day two of sobriety.

Two of how many? I really don't know and I guess that's a freak out that we all go through... forever seems like a really long time. Surely not? Surely I can 'fix' myself somehow and go back to being one of the regular moderate drinkers happy to sip on one Chardonnay then off home to a cup of tea?

I know in my heart that this is false. I know that my grandad killed himself with his drinking - the alcoholic dementia ate away at his brain. I know that I have always seen it in myself. I didn't start drinking at 11 or 13 like some others did but as soon as I did start drinking at 18, I was different. I preferred sitting with wine at home by myself to being at parties or clubs. And if I was at parties or clubs, I was the drunkest person there. You would never know, though, I hold my booze substantially well (which meant that nobody would question if I was going back for another drink...and another).

Don't get me wrong, I'm totally functional - Im working 5 nights a week (at a bar and bottle store...go figure) and working on a double major at University. I've never hurt myself or anyone else by my drinking but I know in my heart that one day, if I continue down this path, I will. I made excuses for so long by looking at people like my boyfriend who have crazier nights than I do - I say, "well he's messier than I am so I don't have an issue, I'm fine." Obviously this is a super flawed way of thinking and I know that but it's HARD. It's hard to picture a vino-free life. I love wine, I work at a wine bar, I've done fine wine courses, I really love the stuff. And I wish desperately that I could enjoy just a glass or two, I would give anything right now to just feel....normal. It's like I have some sort of defect somewhere in me, and I don't know if I can face the idea of 'forever' so right now, I'm just going to face today.

I had a terrible restless sleep last night, dreaming of being at parties and drinking water, and I woke up bang on 7am (since when does that happen?!). Although I had what I consider a 'bad' sleep I actually feel really rested which makes me wonder the effect that even a drink or two has on your sleep. I am going to the library today to hopefully pick up a few books that were recommended on Mrs Ds blog. I dont know much right now but I do know one thing for sure. Today, at least, I will not drink.

B xx