The beginning

Today is day two of sobriety.

Two of how many? I really don't know and I guess that's a freak out that we all go through... forever seems like a really long time. Surely not? Surely I can 'fix' myself somehow and go back to being one of the regular moderate drinkers happy to sip on one Chardonnay then off home to a cup of tea?

I know in my heart that this is false. I know that my grandad killed himself with his drinking - the alcoholic dementia ate away at his brain. I know that I have always seen it in myself. I didn't start drinking at 11 or 13 like some others did but as soon as I did start drinking at 18, I was different. I preferred sitting with wine at home by myself to being at parties or clubs. And if I was at parties or clubs, I was the drunkest person there. You would never know, though, I hold my booze substantially well (which meant that nobody would question if I was going back for another drink...and another).

Don't get me wrong, I'm totally functional - Im working 5 nights a week (at a bar and bottle store...go figure) and working on a double major at University. I've never hurt myself or anyone else by my drinking but I know in my heart that one day, if I continue down this path, I will. I made excuses for so long by looking at people like my boyfriend who have crazier nights than I do - I say, "well he's messier than I am so I don't have an issue, I'm fine." Obviously this is a super flawed way of thinking and I know that but it's HARD. It's hard to picture a vino-free life. I love wine, I work at a wine bar, I've done fine wine courses, I really love the stuff. And I wish desperately that I could enjoy just a glass or two, I would give anything right now to just feel....normal. It's like I have some sort of defect somewhere in me, and I don't know if I can face the idea of 'forever' so right now, I'm just going to face today.

I had a terrible restless sleep last night, dreaming of being at parties and drinking water, and I woke up bang on 7am (since when does that happen?!). Although I had what I consider a 'bad' sleep I actually feel really rested which makes me wonder the effect that even a drink or two has on your sleep. I am going to the library today to hopefully pick up a few books that were recommended on Mrs Ds blog. I dont know much right now but I do know one thing for sure. Today, at least, I will not drink.

B xx