Wednesday, July 16, 2014

More little victories, some thinking, and some background.

Afternoon all! Well it's day five now, I got through work again yesterday and then headed over to a girlfriends house. Three of my friends flat together and one of them just completed her degree so they all wanted to get pizza and wine to celebrate. I went with them to the bottle store and walked around looking at the wine thinking "it would be really nice to have a glass of red right now", but then decided to break down the anxiety that I was suddenly feeling and realised that the elusive 'glass of red' would not actually be worth the disappointment I would feel in myself by breaking my 30 day promise (I will explain later). So I passed on the wine and then even got a stir fry dish from the Chinese place instead of pizza!

So a bit of history. I've always been the kind of person to have a million things on the go at once. I went straight from College into University, at age 17, while always working about 4 nights a week in restaurants. I can never seem to sit still in one place (or city) for too long, and two weeks after my 18th birthday I flew over to the Philippines by myself to work with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which was amazing. A year later, in my Summer University break I moved to Sydney for 4 months over Christmas with my then-boyfriend, and I think this is where I began drinking a little bit more. Before we left, I quit drinking for 8 weeks as part of a diet and was feeling great, until we got over there. Our relationship was... I wouldn't say "falling apart" because nothing dramatic ever happened but we essentially just turned into friends. I was really lonely and couldn't find a job for about a month so I just walked by myself around the beaches and then sat at home in our dingy little apartment, drank wine, cried, and watched movies while he was at work. I had some amazing experiences over in Sydney but I felt really lonely. Fast forward a year later and we finally break up, with him telling me "well you have put on weight and I am a guy, you know, so..."

(Note: I was a size 12-14...the average national size). So my drinking picked up a little there again. I was never the "blackout drunk" type, I probably just drank by myself a little too often, at maximum a bottle of wine in a sitting. About half a year later I tried to stop drinking (again as part of a diet) but I kept saying to myself "well I've eaten salad all day so I deserve a glass of wine". This is the first time ever that I've tried to stop drinking for the sake of not drinking and it's actually going much better than I thought that it would. I've been thinking about my drinking habits and I believe that they are more on the side of negative drinking patterns/alcohol abuse as opposed to alcoholism or alcohol dependence, although I am acutely aware that I have the right genetic mix that would lead me down that path if I didn't keep myself in check.

With that in mind I've been reading a lot about "moderation management" which is quite useful for people like myself that have negative alcohol use patterns but aren't dependant or alcoholic. The theory is that you abstain completely for 30 days, and in these 30 days you learn tools to say "no" and you learn lessons (which I have been learning) such as "you can totally just not drink needlessly and life will still go on". You also learn tools to deal with stress without 'phoning it in' and picking up wine, which is important for people like me that tend to reach for a vino after a stressful day at work or to deal with sadness. After that 30 days, you set rules for yourself (mine will be, no drinking during the week, or at home without a purpose) and you stick to those rules, no exceptions. I firmly believe that I have the resolve needed to do this, although I am also aware that I may finish these 30 days and decide to keep going because, frankly, I'm feeling really good right now!

Have a beautiful day.

B xx

2 comments:

  1. Hi B! Just wanted to say hey and let you know you aren't talking to yourself. Keep writing, I am pulling for you! xo C

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    1. Hi Cheryl! Thanks for stopping by and for the kind words :) xx B

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